...and now that our song is done, we'll take a look...
weedwacker + ground-level telephone wires = bad situation
exhaust manifold of small gasoline engine + my elbow = painful situation
1 day of working in 90-100 degree weather + proximity to 60 degree river = tempting situation
'nuff said, eh?
June 25, 2008
Twenty-four years ago...
War was not Peace, Freedom was not Slavery, Ignorance was not Strength, 2+2 did not ever equal 5, God was not power, and Reality was objective.
But if you don't want to have the urge to throw a book against the wall, read That Hideous Strength instead, and don't damage your soul.
We do not find this book funny...at all.
(Disclaimer: George Orwell, no doubt, wrote this book in order that he might unseat the horrendous ideological atrocities to which his character falls prey. However, depressing stories don't generally make me want to read them over and over again... the book is still significant, probably very significant, but just don't make me say I like it.)
After all, Isn't the dream of Narnia so much better than the reality of the sunless land anyhow?
But if you don't want to have the urge to throw a book against the wall, read That Hideous Strength instead, and don't damage your soul.
We do not find this book funny...at all.
(Disclaimer: George Orwell, no doubt, wrote this book in order that he might unseat the horrendous ideological atrocities to which his character falls prey. However, depressing stories don't generally make me want to read them over and over again... the book is still significant, probably very significant, but just don't make me say I like it.)
After all, Isn't the dream of Narnia so much better than the reality of the sunless land anyhow?
March 10, 2008
They're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives...Meets Rube Goldberg?
There is a plant on the porch.
There is a stick supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a bit of plastic supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a clamp holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a two-by-four grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a wooden saw-horse supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a porch holding up the saw-horse that is supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a plant on the porch that is holding up the saw-horse that is supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a stick supporting the plant...
'nuff said.
This is reminding me, incredibly, of the bits and pieces of soap operas that I have seen.
This is a general (though over-simplified) plot summary:
Guy meets girl.
Girl has evil former boyfriend.
Evil former boyfriend sabotages Guy's family business.
Guy's mafia contacts get a hit man on evil former boyfriend.
Girl's uncle suddenly goes inexplicably missing.
Girl locks herself in apartment and doesn't answer phone.
Guy's long-lost cousin turns up, and tells everyone that he's an FBI agent.
Mafia catches up with Evil Former Boyfriend, and it turns out to be the long-lost cousin.
Standoff ensues (lasts for four episodes, with straining emotion on all sides)
Missing uncle turns up (in the middle of standoff) with inexplicable scars, saying he'd been golfing for a week.
REAL bad guy shows up (it can either be the original girl, the mafia contact, the butler, or a previously unnamed character), draws automatic weapons, and ends standoff, with at least one major character (who was previously thought to be bad) dying heroically to save the rest, and repenting and confessing that he loves some random other character, who cries passionately for the rest of the season.
The entire cast gathers in a final scene, where the disappointing facts are unsatisfactorily revealed, and where the original Guy gets engaged to his greatest love.
I prefer the porch...
The soap opera, I must confess, is
non hilarium ad nauseum
There is a stick supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a bit of plastic supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a clamp holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a two-by-four grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a wooden saw-horse supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a porch holding up the saw-horse that is supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a plant on the porch that is holding up the saw-horse that is supporting the two-by-four that is grasped in the clamp that is holding the plastic that is supporting the stick that is supporting the plant that is on the porch.
There is a stick supporting the plant...
'nuff said.
This is reminding me, incredibly, of the bits and pieces of soap operas that I have seen.
This is a general (though over-simplified) plot summary:
Guy meets girl.
Girl has evil former boyfriend.
Evil former boyfriend sabotages Guy's family business.
Guy's mafia contacts get a hit man on evil former boyfriend.
Girl's uncle suddenly goes inexplicably missing.
Girl locks herself in apartment and doesn't answer phone.
Guy's long-lost cousin turns up, and tells everyone that he's an FBI agent.
Mafia catches up with Evil Former Boyfriend, and it turns out to be the long-lost cousin.
Standoff ensues (lasts for four episodes, with straining emotion on all sides)
Missing uncle turns up (in the middle of standoff) with inexplicable scars, saying he'd been golfing for a week.
REAL bad guy shows up (it can either be the original girl, the mafia contact, the butler, or a previously unnamed character), draws automatic weapons, and ends standoff, with at least one major character (who was previously thought to be bad) dying heroically to save the rest, and repenting and confessing that he loves some random other character, who cries passionately for the rest of the season.
The entire cast gathers in a final scene, where the disappointing facts are unsatisfactorily revealed, and where the original Guy gets engaged to his greatest love.
I prefer the porch...
The soap opera, I must confess, is
non hilarium ad nauseum
March 7, 2008
PIVD
There is a great person with whom I am slightly acquainted who speaks to inanimate objects. I realize that this is common, but if you are considering putting these actions under the category of "normal," please hold your categorization until the end of this post.
This person does not, in the usual way, speak just to the normal inanimate objects, like most people, who speak to cars while they are on the freeway
(These people do, however, maintain that they speak to the drivers, not the cars. Said drivers, I must add, can hardly ever hear them.)
This person does not even stop with plants, as some herbivorically tendancied people do. Oh no, for this person is a great example of a condition that we have come to call PIVD: Progeny-Induced Verbal Disorder. This unusual moniker comes from the fact that this person blames all their PIVD- related problems on the fact that they have children.
This person, I am afraid to say, will speak to anything. Unlike the ancient patriarch, Moses, who would not even speak to a rock, but would rather strike it with a stick, this person has no qualms about telling the object of their consideration, when it is innocently obeying the call of gravity, to "Come back here!" Or, when confronted with a stubborn (though inanimate) something which will not bend or will not straighten, according to the laws of friction or the natural resiliency of it's own composite materials, has no problem confronting the violating article with a stern face and reprimanding it as if it was a naughty child or pet.
The common side-effects of this condition have rather to do with the people in immediate contact with this person than the person himself:
-A tendency of the patient's family to consider this disorder as lunacy. It is not.
-Inexplicable urges in the patient's friends to manually animate the object to which they talk so that their afflicted friend might actually have a decent conversation with it. While this can be entertaining, it is bad manners to take advantage of the infirm. For shame...
- Close friends might have a sudden desire to question the actions prompted by this disease. This is to be done in NO case. It may result in a reaction that makes poison ivy, stinging nettles, and Venomous Tentactula all look cute and cuddly.
Warning: This disorder is contagious. Not only do it's victims insist (like the person I described) that it came from their children, but if one is around an afflicted subject for too long, they may start to mimic their thought patterns.
Treatment:
There is no sure-fire cure for this disease. The only known way of treating it is prolonged isolation from all objects, inanimate or not. While this does not stop the patient from talking to inanimate objects, it does give their friends and relatives (who are the ones that suffer the worst symptoms) a break. Experiments are being performed, searching for new cures, but only small progress has been made.
To all of those who recognize this disease in yourself, and are now raving at the innocent, inanimate computer screen in front of you, I wish you the best of luck in your treatment...
..Enjoy the padded cell!
ahh, yet another example of hilarium ad infinitum...
This person does not, in the usual way, speak just to the normal inanimate objects, like most people, who speak to cars while they are on the freeway
(These people do, however, maintain that they speak to the drivers, not the cars. Said drivers, I must add, can hardly ever hear them.)
This person does not even stop with plants, as some herbivorically tendancied people do. Oh no, for this person is a great example of a condition that we have come to call PIVD: Progeny-Induced Verbal Disorder. This unusual moniker comes from the fact that this person blames all their PIVD- related problems on the fact that they have children.
This person, I am afraid to say, will speak to anything. Unlike the ancient patriarch, Moses, who would not even speak to a rock, but would rather strike it with a stick, this person has no qualms about telling the object of their consideration, when it is innocently obeying the call of gravity, to "Come back here!" Or, when confronted with a stubborn (though inanimate) something which will not bend or will not straighten, according to the laws of friction or the natural resiliency of it's own composite materials, has no problem confronting the violating article with a stern face and reprimanding it as if it was a naughty child or pet.
The common side-effects of this condition have rather to do with the people in immediate contact with this person than the person himself:
-A tendency of the patient's family to consider this disorder as lunacy. It is not.
-Inexplicable urges in the patient's friends to manually animate the object to which they talk so that their afflicted friend might actually have a decent conversation with it. While this can be entertaining, it is bad manners to take advantage of the infirm. For shame...
- Close friends might have a sudden desire to question the actions prompted by this disease. This is to be done in NO case. It may result in a reaction that makes poison ivy, stinging nettles, and Venomous Tentactula all look cute and cuddly.
Warning: This disorder is contagious. Not only do it's victims insist (like the person I described) that it came from their children, but if one is around an afflicted subject for too long, they may start to mimic their thought patterns.
Treatment:
There is no sure-fire cure for this disease. The only known way of treating it is prolonged isolation from all objects, inanimate or not. While this does not stop the patient from talking to inanimate objects, it does give their friends and relatives (who are the ones that suffer the worst symptoms) a break. Experiments are being performed, searching for new cures, but only small progress has been made.
To all of those who recognize this disease in yourself, and are now raving at the innocent, inanimate computer screen in front of you, I wish you the best of luck in your treatment...
..Enjoy the padded cell!
ahh, yet another example of hilarium ad infinitum...
March 3, 2008
Mourning Bartleby
Bartleby is dead....alas...
In this short story by Herman Melville, a eccentric scrivener of Wall Street dies within his own little world. His view on life: "I'd prefer not to..." I would hope that we should take a lesson from Bartleby and prefer, whether we prefer a hamburger over a hot dog, a hamster over a gerbil, or even prefer life over death, to live, we must prefer.
Bartleby was a talented, good-natured man, honest in all his doings, but, as it is with us all, died slowly of apathy.
(An addendum: This story, written wonderfully by Melville, would indeed by funny, even hilarious, if it weren't so accurate and, frankly, so un-funny.)
Hire the mourners,
Don the sackcloth,
Wail, beat your breast,
For Bartleby is dead...
Bartleby is dead...
he is dead...
is dead...
dead...
alas
In this short story by Herman Melville, a eccentric scrivener of Wall Street dies within his own little world. His view on life: "I'd prefer not to..." I would hope that we should take a lesson from Bartleby and prefer, whether we prefer a hamburger over a hot dog, a hamster over a gerbil, or even prefer life over death, to live, we must prefer.
Bartleby was a talented, good-natured man, honest in all his doings, but, as it is with us all, died slowly of apathy.
(An addendum: This story, written wonderfully by Melville, would indeed by funny, even hilarious, if it weren't so accurate and, frankly, so un-funny.)
Hire the mourners,
Don the sackcloth,
Wail, beat your breast,
For Bartleby is dead...
Bartleby is dead...
he is dead...
is dead...
dead...
alas
January 30, 2008
I'm cold...
...and that's funny.
It's easy to find things these days. The internet is a super-highway of information. I can sit down at my computer and, within 10 or 15 seconds know just about anything I want to about anything, anywhere in the world, or anyone any time in recorded human history, thanks, for the most part, to Google and Wikipedia.
One of the most prevalent topics on the Internet, and indeed all over the world, is that of Climate Change. It's "An Inconvenient Truth" that will eventually kill us and our lobsters, wreaking havoc over the globe.
Some backwards and uniformed (and probably politically incorrect) people, like me, still say "Global Warming." With this comes the idea that Carbon Dioxide is a pollutant (Are you breathing right now? Tut, tut, tut! You should be minimizing your "carbon footprint" by abstaining from breath!), and the idea that eventually, if things don't change, the earth will turn into a lifeless ball of scorched rock dotted with the charred ruins of the factories and automobiles that brought about their own doom.
In winter, I find this hard to believe. Two recent news stories, here and here, seem to agree with me, citing places in the US with temperatures in the minus 50s and inordinate amounts of snow in China. The story in China is really ironic, because of this article, whose headline states that the Norwegians are telling the Chinese that they should do their part to stop climate change. With the prognosis that Oslo might get above freezing once or twice this week, it seems very ironic that Norway is pushing to make sure the world doesn't get any warmer, and even worse, they're pushing a country that is having huge logistical and superstructural problems because of snow.
My hands are cold...enough with the conservationism, ok?
Brrr. I find that funny...
It's easy to find things these days. The internet is a super-highway of information. I can sit down at my computer and, within 10 or 15 seconds know just about anything I want to about anything, anywhere in the world, or anyone any time in recorded human history, thanks, for the most part, to Google and Wikipedia.
One of the most prevalent topics on the Internet, and indeed all over the world, is that of Climate Change. It's "An Inconvenient Truth" that will eventually kill us and our lobsters, wreaking havoc over the globe.
Some backwards and uniformed (and probably politically incorrect) people, like me, still say "Global Warming." With this comes the idea that Carbon Dioxide is a pollutant (Are you breathing right now? Tut, tut, tut! You should be minimizing your "carbon footprint" by abstaining from breath!), and the idea that eventually, if things don't change, the earth will turn into a lifeless ball of scorched rock dotted with the charred ruins of the factories and automobiles that brought about their own doom.
In winter, I find this hard to believe. Two recent news stories, here and here, seem to agree with me, citing places in the US with temperatures in the minus 50s and inordinate amounts of snow in China. The story in China is really ironic, because of this article, whose headline states that the Norwegians are telling the Chinese that they should do their part to stop climate change. With the prognosis that Oslo might get above freezing once or twice this week, it seems very ironic that Norway is pushing to make sure the world doesn't get any warmer, and even worse, they're pushing a country that is having huge logistical and superstructural problems because of snow.
My hands are cold...enough with the conservationism, ok?
Brrr. I find that funny...
January 28, 2008
We had an adventure today...
Definition of Adventure:
1) Drinking the contents of a test tube following a chemistry experiment.
2) Bandying words with females.
3) Having 4-day-old pizza out of the fridge.
1) Drinking the contents of a test tube following a chemistry experiment.
2) Bandying words with females.
3) Having 4-day-old pizza out of the fridge.
(seriously, this was an adventure... some of the cheese didn't even melt after being in the microwave for a minute or two, and it was hard to tell the difference between the pepperoni thickly foresting the top and the marinara sauce underneath...they were about the same consistency)
4) Getting out of bed this morning.
(ok, I know this sounds lame, but it's a five-foot drop from the bed to the carpet-covered concrete floor below, and my legs don't always work real well in the morning.)
Imagine:
*alarm clock beeps*
Me: uuugghh
Radio Announcer: ...high of 47 today with mostly cloudy skies and a chance of showers this afternoon... *drones on in background*
Me: Ooof
*yawns*
*sits up*
Me: Owww...
Me: Stupid fan!
*jumps down to floor*
*time shifts to slow motion*
*regrets jumping*
*wonders if this will ruin my breakfast*
*feet contact floor*
*knees give way*
*bones shatter*
*collapses on floor*
Me: Owww...
Imagine:
*alarm clock beeps*
Me: uuugghh
Radio Announcer: ...high of 47 today with mostly cloudy skies and a chance of showers this afternoon... *drones on in background*
Me: Ooof
*yawns*
*sits up*
Me: Owww...
Me: Stupid fan!
*jumps down to floor*
*time shifts to slow motion*
*regrets jumping*
*wonders if this will ruin my breakfast*
*feet contact floor*
*knees give way*
*bones shatter*
*collapses on floor*
Me: Owww...
(Disclaimer: slight hyperbole employed above)
Surely now you see how my life is so entertaining. I only wish, as Hobbes did, that "we could talk about these things without the visual aids."
Go have an adventurous life...
...because someone else might find it funny!
Surely now you see how my life is so entertaining. I only wish, as Hobbes did, that "we could talk about these things without the visual aids."
Go have an adventurous life...
...because someone else might find it funny!
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