PIVD

There is a great person with whom I am slightly acquainted who speaks to inanimate objects. I realize that this is common, but if you are considering putting these actions under the category of "normal," please hold your categorization until the end of this post.

This person does not, in the usual way, speak just to the normal inanimate objects, like most people, who speak to cars while they are on the freeway

(These people do, however, maintain that they speak to the drivers, not the cars. Said drivers, I must add, can hardly ever hear them.)

This person does not even stop with plants, as some herbivorically tendancied people do. Oh no, for this person is a great example of a condition that we have come to call PIVD: Progeny-Induced Verbal Disorder. This unusual moniker comes from the fact that this person blames all their PIVD- related problems on the fact that they have children.

This person, I am afraid to say, will speak to anything. Unlike the ancient patriarch, Moses, who would not even speak to a rock, but would rather strike it with a stick, this person has no qualms about telling the object of their consideration, when it is innocently obeying the call of gravity, to "Come back here!" Or, when confronted with a stubborn (though inanimate) something which will not bend or will not straighten, according to the laws of friction or the natural resiliency of it's own composite materials, has no problem confronting the violating article with a stern face and reprimanding it as if it was a naughty child or pet.

The common side-effects of this condition have rather to do with the people in immediate contact with this person than the person himself:
-A tendency of the patient's family to consider this disorder as lunacy. It is not.
-Inexplicable urges in the patient's friends to manually animate the object to which they talk so that their afflicted friend might actually have a decent conversation with it. While this can be entertaining, it is bad manners to take advantage of the infirm. For shame...
- Close friends might have a sudden desire to question the actions prompted by this disease. This is to be done in NO case. It may result in a reaction that makes poison ivy, stinging nettles, and Venomous Tentactula all look cute and cuddly.

Warning: This disorder is contagious. Not only do it's victims insist (like the person I described) that it came from their children, but if one is around an afflicted subject for too long, they may start to mimic their thought patterns.

Treatment:
There is no sure-fire cure for this disease. The only known way of treating it is prolonged isolation from all objects, inanimate or not. While this does not stop the patient from talking to inanimate objects, it does give their friends and relatives (who are the ones that suffer the worst symptoms) a break. Experiments are being performed, searching for new cures, but only small progress has been made.

To all of those who recognize this disease in yourself, and are now raving at the innocent, inanimate computer screen in front of you, I wish you the best of luck in your treatment...

..Enjoy the padded cell!

ahh, yet another example of hilarium ad infinitum...