Ode, to the first experience of an Ohio winter, opus 2.

Oh, say, Can you see

--By the Dawn's early light--

How the weather is frigid

and the sun isn't helping.

And my nose's red glare, in the freezing cold air

Gives proof, beyond hope,

That life is still there.

Oh, Say, does it feel like your face will freeze off:

Here in the land of the blue, and the home of the insane.

---OR---

Jingle Toes, Jingle Toes,

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to walk on feet that you can't feel -- Ouch!

Jingle Toes, Jingle Toes,

Please walk Carefully!

If you don't, your toes will crack, and then you'll REALLY cry.

I will be returning to warm, sunny, Cali next week, and I can't wait!!!

The Raeeyn in Spaaeeeyn falls maaaeenly...up??!?

Cedarville is not famous for its rain.  There is more rain in the Amazon, in Florida, and especially in the Pacific Northwest.  However, when we do get a good bang-up thunderstorm, it falls in spades.

Nevertheless, Cedarville is famous for its wind.  Even on a clear day (and sometimes especially on such), the wind is merciless.  In the early morning, it is biting, in the forenoon, it is chilling, and in the evening, its just kinda pesky.

When a thunderstorm occurs, therefore...  it is epic.

Watch:



I took this video a few weeks ago, from the bottom of the student center.

Professor quotes...

In calculus today:
"...and if you're dealing with irrational numbers, your "u" has to be positive"

My mind, responding to this perfectly rational (npi) statement, when seen in context of differentiation of natural logs, thinks:
hmm... how can I twist this?  It could mean that when dealing with radicals, like muslims and Christian fundamentalists, keep your female sheep happy.

aaah...sometimes you have to make your own hilarium ad infinitum...

You Know (part 3)

You know you have a more than normal roommate, when you hear this exchange coming out of a room, like so many others on the hall, whose occupants are mentally consumed with girls, video games, sports, or cars:
Roomie (somewhat randomly and loudly): Wow...that's NOTHING!!
Me (nonchalantly): what?
Roomie (still somewhat excited): This jawbone... it's not even complete...sheesh...

see what I mean?

Roomie, you're awesome...we need more jawbone comments and less naked men in this dorm.

A Cedarville Lexicon...

Every college has its own jargon, Cedarville notwithstanding.  Therefore, in order to help all of you understand my life in the terms that I experience it in, I will Lexicise you, for your betterment.

First, we have the acronyms:
The simple ones which you all could have guessed anyhow, like:
CU - Cedarville University
RA - Resident assistant
RD - Dorm God (wait...that doesn't fit...there's something fishy here...)
AM - ante meridian (a time convention that they like to use here in the midwest, means "before noon"  Note: most students have no knowledge of this period of time, unless it be the first three or four hours if it)

The more complex ones relating to the buildings on campus -
SSC - Steven's Student Center
BTS - (Variant: CBTS) Center for Biblical and Theological Studies
DMC - Dixon Ministry Center, including the Jeremiah Chapel...which we all attend every day at 10 AM, unless there's swine flu oinking around.
ENS - Engineering, Nursing, and Science Building (also known as the realm of the geeks)

The still less comprehensible acronyms that stand for classes, mostly gen-ed classes:
CLT - Christian Life and Thought.  (one of the freshman bible courses, always located in the BTS, and therefore sometimes misconstrued as a mixture: BLT?)
SPIFO - (pronounced as a word, not spelled) SPIritual FOrmation (the other freshman bible course)
PACL - (again pronounced as a word, not spelled) Physical Activity and the Christian Life.  (does this just sound odd to some of you?)
Comp - Torture....or so I hear.
PAC -Politics and American Culture.  Not to be confused with PACL.

And, Lastly, the really random acronyms for other things:
SGA - Student Government Association
SCAB - Student Center Activity Board
OD - Open Dorm weekends (...I think...) jk...I know what OD stands for :-P
PDA - Personal Data Assistant...don't know why they have regulations on these...things like only hugging them briefly?!??!?

Random words:
Chucks - the cafeteria, run by one guy for almost 30 years...namely, Chuck.
Meat Market - (alternative spelling: Meet Market) The area between Printy Hall and Lawlor Hall, the two most ubiquitously freshmen dorms, respectively male-occupied, and female occupied.  It is normal to see a few desperate guys out there, strumming guitars, and waiting for "someone" to pass them by.


Now, consider yourself lexicized.

I leave you with one thing, that entered my mind upon seeing the drink counter in Chucks:
"to Dew, or not to Dew, that is the question.
whether it is nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous insomnia,
or to take arms against a sea of homework, and by diligence,
End it."

Caffeine.  The student's best friend and worst enemy.

A Surfboard among Cornholers

I have lately been confronted with my own californian-ness, since I have moved to the midwest to continue with post-secondary education.
In other words, when I relate my country state of origin, the most common response is, "Oh. (awkward pause) Wow."
Or, possibly...

"Sweet!!" (with wide eyes and an incredulous look, intimating that they had heard that the species existed, but had never seen a live specimen.)

I think, however, that the source of these responses comes from things like this:

'Nuff said, eh?

You know... (part 2)

...you've been backpacking...

• When the hardness of a fast-food joint's chairs feels like an utter luxury.
• When you're surprised by the amazing taste of things that don't have DEET in them.
• When the term "clean hands" becomes relative.
• When even the thirty-second rule becomes restrictive to your eating habits.
• When popping popcorn over an open fire is the most entertaining thing you can think of to do.
• When your mosquito bite count exceeds your fingers' mathematical abilities.
• When your mosquito bite count is nothing to the number of minor scratches and abrasions inflicted by particularly vengeful and aggressive plants.
• When you don't care about the previous two points.
• When the mere sounds of the suburbs are oppressive to your ears.
• When "shower" is a word of fond, but distant memory.
• When the air around you looks brown.
• When you seem to be able to fly, because your 30 pound pack is not on your back.
• When nothing you see at home in the valley can compare to the majesty of the least of the vistas you just took in.
• When you're simply overwhelmed by the glory of God's creation.

Oh, and one last tip:
Sometimes, looking before you leap just isn't enough.
Sometimes, ground that looks perfectly solid at the start of your leap suddenly changes to knee-deep mud mid-air.
Sometimes, reversing course midair...

well...

actually...

that's NEVER possible.

Math fail...

Not your typical day at the...office...

So now that I'm working in an office setting, there are new dangers lurking around the corner, to slice up your fingers and remove bumpers.

First of all, watch your fingernails, when you're using a staple remover. They really are sharper than you think. (I mean the fingernails are... Well... The staple remover probably is too, but it looks like something from beyond the grave anyhow, so you know not to toy with that)

Second. the bumper of a car can come off. Like, not all the way off, but enough to make a horrible noise when you start moving out of your parking space. Beware of those little cement curbs. They steal bumpers. Thank God for little pocketknives, eh?

Third. Watch out for copiers that eat things. it's not pretty. Keep them happy, give them their offerings and sacrifices. DOOM.

Fourthly and Finally, beware the jub-jub bird, and shun the horrible "ipod ear"!

Since I'm doing something that requires little auditory concentration, I listen to music while I'm working, and by the end of a day, my ears have little red marks on them from all the times I trapped the cord of the earbuds under some papers and tried to walk away. Ow.

But hey, it's better than fast food!!!

You know...

You know you've been working too long on your term paper when...

~ Your fingers are so sore from typing that it hurts to type in your dreams.

~ You start speaking in academic language in normal conversation

(this actually sounds creepy, if you think about it:  "Hmm...One must understand that the speaker feels hungry.  Nothing could be further from the truth than to say that when one is hungry, they are completely satisfied.  Therefore..."  You get the picture :-P )

~ Syntax for you, of sentences, no longer normal is.  Read, have you, much english old.

(sounds like yoda, does it not?  Reason for this, there is.  Borrowed from Chaucer, did George Lucas, and from Spencer, their syntax he did emulate)

~ You begin to notice threads of arguments that fit into your paper as you watch movies.  You wonder if you could cite that Frank Capra movie as a secondary source.

~ You begin to hear the mockingbird across the street start making frog sounds.

Other symptoms may include, irritability, nausea, a hot lap from holding a laptop computer on it for hours on end, inexplicable urges to defenestrate obstreperous authors, and extreme cases of procrastination.

Term Paper:

Use only as directed.

:-)

You know you're a Baptist...

...when, as the echoes and reverb are dying in the sanctuary, the last ringing of the beautifully dissonant chord at the climax of "Go to Dark Gethsemane," just as the beautiful denouement of the good friday hymn is about to begin...

...you hear a loud AY-MAEN! from the congregation...

Any praise for lack of culture?

ugh...

It has been said...

...that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and always expecting a different result...

well...

not exactly.

I read it in a comic strip once, though...I think...it must be true, right?

Anyhow, I know now that that particular principle cannot apply to computers.  One is most definitely not insane, if they try something on a computer twice the same way, expecting a different result.  There is a definite precedent for doing that, whatever those silly comic strips might say.

Also, if one wishes all the ancient poets to be insane, one needs look no further than this idea, for if we apply the saying "if again you don't succeed, try, try again" we must, by this definition, be wholly insane.  

if we, like Ahoshta Tarkaan, intend to continue quoting "the poets," I think we must discard this evidently corrupted definition.

We might, otherwise, also have to throw out our computers... :-)

The heady feeling...

...that I actually might survive the next few years is upon me.

Don't you love the feeling?
I mean the one when you realize that life isn't so bad after all, and that nothing horrible is likely going to happen to you in the near future.
Usually, of course, it's dispelled by the next online health article you see, but hey! What do I care?
Keep up the good life, Go read some comic books or something...


(I hasten to say how much it very much disturbs me that I'm writing such godless literature as this...forgive me :-P)

On being weird...

It's been over a month...wow...
My poor lonely blog...it needs some attention.

I'm kinda weird, as You probably know, if you've spent any time reading this blog at all, or if you've even seen me, or heard me talk. That much I know is true.

However, does it make it worse that I work in a place where I am a minority just for speaking the king's English, and my regular vocabulary includes words like "peachy" and "chum" and "toodle-oo" and "salubrious"? My co-workers think so. ** For some reason, when your first language isn't English, and someone says "peachy" (meaning, of course, "cool" or "great" although I know that none of you needed to know that), you have funny ideas of what that might be.

Go ahead and imagine it for yourself... Forget all preconceptions and all knowledge about the colloquilal use of "peachy" and think about what would go through your head...

Aren't idioms hilarious? No? Well...Like I said, I'm a little different.

People give me the strangest looks when I start talking about how funny language is, but I can't stop it. It's just funny, and I can't get over it, so everyone's going to have to deal with it.

I also think the fact that my ribcage is compressible the most random thing in nature...I love it! I can entertain myself that way, just squishing it, and watching it retake its shape, and squishing it...etc, etc...ad inifinitum.

That, and when the juices in my stom....
oh wait...
I better not tell you about that, you might stop reading, if you haven't already :-)

Entertain yourself with the little things...go ahead, do it!

That, and nothing else is the secret to Hilarium ad infinitum...

** This is in no way a snub directed at my coworkers...they are amazing people, and I learn more spanish from them than from anywhere else.

Poetry in Limbo

Yes, I've been reading Dante.
No, that's not what this is about.

About a week ago, I had an interesting experience at work, quite a funny one, actually, and I thought "Why, I should post this on my blog!" Then I said to myself, "I should definitely do more than just post this on my blog...I should poetize about it, and then post it on my blog...hmmm..."

Noble sentiments, no doubt.

One of my favorite poems is Egar Allen Poe's The Raven, and so, subconsciously, the metre for it had been running through my head.
You know that feeling, when everything in your life seems to happen to a metre? When you walk, you feel it in your steps, when you find your brain entertaining itself, it's chanting it's nonsense syllables in the cadence that fits your favorite poem.
Ok, so maybe you don't always have a rythm in your head, and maybe I'm just a little weird (big surprize, no?)
Either way, I had the metre and words of this:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more.'

running around somewhere between my scalp and my half-emerging wisdom teeth. This caused the poem I was thinking about writing to come out in the exact same rythm:

Once upon a windy October, as the gusts entreat us to be sober,

They kindle sentiments, noble and nobler within the hearts of doleful men

The clouds were softly, swiftly flying, the leaves were slowly, sadly dieing,

The wind, in eddies, sweetly sighing, around the eaves, and back again.

The solemn wind, in swirling currents, came ‘round the eaves and back again.

And a moan escaped me, “never again”

Unfortunately, I liked the beginning of this too much (and it was also much too sombre) to convert into a comic piece for a blog. Now, without the motivation to write it so I can post it on my blog, and the responsiblilty that I gave myself by putting work into this first verse to do the rest in the same caliber, chances are, I will never, ever finish this, and if I do, it won't be posted on this blog.

Your loss. :-P

This isn't the only poem in such straights, though. I started another parody the other day about Fresno, the city just north of here to the "tune" of The Cremation of Sam Magee (by Robert Service), and it is likewise in Limbo:

There are strange things done in the hot, hot sun by the people who live around here;

Out great wide valley has a long death tally, and terror is built upon fear.

The dim streetlights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the corner of Maple and Horner, I was a hero of the Fresno Bee.

Now the Fresno Bee was a paper, you see, and a better there’d never been had,

For the Bee had column, right down at the bottom, that was entitled, “Who went bad”

Eevery week of the year will a story appear, each telling the story of how,

Through thick or thin, by wine or gin, a man’s character went south.

Maybe if I ever finish this one, I'll put it up on here...I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? :-)

This tickles my funny bone...

63

Created by OnePlusYou -

ok...I confess, I cheated... my original score was 21, not 63... but it's still funny, right?

The Brotherhood of the Travelling Retainers

About two years ago (almost exactly two years ago, actually), I finally had all the permanent orthodontic appliances removed from my mouth. I'd had braces for nearly two and a half years before that, and I was ready.

(if you've had braces, you'll know what I mean)
(If you haven't had braces, just imagine tying yourself by the teeth to a running ceiling fan with short string. Now try to imagine sleeping that way...for two years...)

Anyhow, when orthodontists remove your braces, they give you a retainer to keep things from immediately going back to where they came from in your mouth. I've had these retainers for two years now, and I'm used to putting them in and getting them out, and talking around them, and (thankfully) I now only have to wear them at night.
I would say I'm used to them by now, and with good reason, right?

But....
One wonders when one wakes up in the morning with no retainers in one's mouth, knowing full well that they were inside when one went to sleep.
One knows incontrovertibly, however, that he has "routine retainers" when one finds his retainers safely tucked away in their case that same morning, stacked neatly on top of one another, just as he always stacks them, and has absolutely no recollection of how in the world they got there.

Some people think sleepwalking is remarkable, but can you take your retainers out and put them away in a bathroom 40 feet from your bed in your sleep?

I just hope this uncanny ability doesn't extend itself to other things...

:-P

Look...at....my....hat....carefully.

Upon recently starting a fast-food job here in the little town where I live, I assumed that people would know, since there are only two or three fast-food restaurants in said town, what store they were in.

Oh well....

A lady walks into the store, and comes up the register.

All is well. I know how to do this.

"What can I get for you this morning?" my mouth asks. (this has become involuntary...)

The lady hands me two coupons.

The lady looks at me expectantly

At this point, the top of my head flips open and spreads my brains liberally on the ceiling like a blender with the top open. Not really. But that's what it felt like. You see, I've been working there two days, and know virtually nothing about how things go, except what I've managed to cram in my head in the 6 hours that I've now worked there.

I catch all the falling brains I can and stuff them back in where they belong, and resolve to just do my best.

"Ah-ha!" I think. "there's a little button on the register that says ' coupon' on it! Eureka!!"

I glance down at the coupons that the lady handed me.

"Wait...." my left brain says to what's left of my frontal cortex, "I don't remember anything on the menu called a 'whopper.' I don't remember that at all...."

I stutter in body language, and the lady picks up on it. Pointing at the coupons, she explains that they are "buy one, get one free" coupons, and what each of them is for, and what she wants to do with them.

For the first time, I look carefully at the coupons.

I give an audible sigh of relief, followed by a suppressed outburst of hysterical laughter, barely kept under control as I say, "Ma'am, if you look carefully right here," and I point to the appropriate spot on the coupon, "These are for Burger King."

The lady looks up at me again.

I add, "I'm sorry, but we don't accept Burger King coupons here."

Slightly embarrassed, the lady then makes her order, without using either of the words "Whopper" or "coupon."

Thankfully.

Thanks for the hilarium ad infinitum, Ms. Customer, but next time, look at my hat. It was there all the time.

:-)

And so what we have learned applies to our lives today... II

Musings upon a first day of work:

1:
While an employer might require you to be clean-shaven, using a new razor (in order to get a nice, close shave) is not always advisable. Use an old one. You may not look like you walked out of a Gillette commercial, but then again, you won't look like you had an incident with a poorly trained executioner accompanied by a blunt axe on the way to work either.

2:
When you first look at your schedule, do away with all your preconceived notions of a calendar. From personal experience, don't expect the third column on a work schedule to be "Tuesday." It might actually be Thursday, you never know.

3:
Always verbally double-check the days that you work with your manager. Don't assume that you follwed #2.

These will hopefullly save you from the fate of walking into your workplace and having your manager say "Umm...you might want to come back the day after tomorrow...."

I'll probably laugh about this...eventually...

And so what we have learned applies to our lives today...

...and now that our song is done, we'll take a look...

weedwacker + ground-level telephone wires = bad situation

exhaust manifold of small gasoline engine + my elbow = painful situation

1 day of working in 90-100 degree weather + proximity to 60 degree river = tempting situation

'nuff said, eh?